ZoLu Drabbles
by aechfic
Summary: Collection of drabbles... ZoLu; spoilers up to and including current events; rated T to M.
1. Luffy Doesn't Come Cheap

When Nami discretely offers to keep their more rambunctious (and curious) crewmates busy for an hour or two in addition to unrestricted use of the storage hold - all for an astronomical fee, of course - she doesn't really expect Zoro to agree without batting an eye.

To her surprise, he merely tosses her a folded wad of beli pulled from his haramaki before striding off with Luffy draped over his shoulder. She fumbles and nearly drops the notes, then pulls the wad apart to count it as the crew heads toward the ship. She snorts when she discovers that he's actually given her quite a bit more than what she asked.

Sanji glances down at her takings and fishes in his shirt pocket for a new cigarette. "Should you really be encouraging him?"

"Easiest money I ever made," Nami muses, then smirks at him. "Besides, would you prefer walking in on them in the sleeping quarters? Or the head? Or the-"

"Okay, okay, Nami-san, I get your point."

She sees his eye twitching and laughs. "I thought so. But seriously, I ought to be charging you too, Sanji-kun."

"What? Why?" He demands, giving her a betrayed look.

"Because I'm guaranteeing you a Luffy-free kitchen for the next two hours."

"Oh." Sanji considers this. "Tell you what: I'll whip up a pre-dinner snack to keep Usopp and Chopper occupied, and we'll call it even."

"Deal," Nami agrees, and then takes his proffered arm, laughing as he beams brightly and adds a spring to his step.


	2. Late To Dinner

When Luffy and Zoro finally emerge, they find their crewmates in the galley, gathered around the remains of dinner.

"Sorry, meal's over. You'll have to wait until breakfast." Sanji announces loudly, sending Luffy into a blubbering frenzy as he simultaneously begs for a fresh plate and tries to filch the choice bits that Usopp was saving for last. The sniper slaps at his hands, protesting.

Zoro slides past them to pour himself some rum and slouches into the nearest unoccupied chair. His hair is rumpled and - to his nakamas' amusement - his right bicep is sporting a fresh bite wound. A closer examination reveals a matching set of teeth marks on his collar bone, peeking out of his loose shirt neck.

Luffy collapses into the chair next to him, chewing ravenously at a stolen drumstick, and the sight of his black eye nearly sends Nami into hysterical giggles.

"EH?" Chopper wails in alarm. He leaps down from his chair and rushes from the room, leaving them all glancing at each other in confusion. When the reindeer bustles back into the room carrying his medical bag, he points a hoof accusingly at the pair. "Why were you fighting?"

"Zoro hit me 'cause- so I- and then he-" Thankfully, Luffy's attempt to clarify the situation is hampered by the way he's inhaling his ill-gotten snack and only one in five recognizable words get through.

Nami chokes on her forkful of desert, soliciting a flurry of concern from Sanji as he produces a glass of water and a fresh napkin, as well as an offer to pat her back, all the while glaring at his captain's obvious lack of shame.

"Luffy! Zoro's not a roast! Do you know how many bacteria-" Chopper takes charge and they're all subjected to a lengthy lecture about the potential infections associated with human bites as the angry doctor attacks Zoro with ointment and bandages, an assault that the swordsman patiently tolerates while draining his mug.

Chopper steps back to examine his work and fixes his charge with a stern gaze. "Anywhere else?"

Zoro stares impassively back at him and sets the mug down with a clack.

"…" Chopper's face starts glowing with embarrassment; he may be gullible, but he's not stupid. He shuffles his feet as it becomes clear that he's not going to get a straight answer.

Nami coughs into her fist, cheeks flaming, as she restrains the horrible urge to actually ask them what they were seriously up to: fucking or fighting, and Sanji returns to his fussing.

Rocking his chair back on two legs, Zoro cuffs Luffy's shoulder roughly before stretching a hand out for the jug on the counter behind him. "No biting."

"Shishishishi."


	3. Bringing In The Laundry

The swordsman opens one eye as a shadow falls across him, fully prepared to rouse only long enough find out what his nakama wants before dozing back off with his arms crossed behind his head as he lounges on the sofa in the common room. Instead, he gives a violent start and props himself up on his elbows. "Luffy, what the hell are you wearing?"

Luffy wriggles excitedly in place and the red satin and lace drifts around his thighs. "I found it on the clothes line!"

Zoro eyes the nightie's fluttering skirt, which is just long enough to prevent him from seeing whether or not his captain's wearing anything under it. He doesn't doubt Luffy found it on the clothesline; he's seen it hanging there himself now and then, and he's also seen who hangs it there. "Why are you wearing Nami's clothes?"

The only response is laughter, and his crewmate mentally berates himself for assuming there needs to be a reason. This is Luffy, after all. Although the younger man usually doesn't resort to stealing clothing to entertain himself. Maybe he's been into the rum again.

Zoro reaches for the skirt's edge, trying to snag lace between his fingers, and snorts when Luffy dances out of range. "It doesn't even fit you."

Not that he's complaining, exactly. Luffy's more muscular than Nami, and his broader chest is stretching the material taut, enhancing the fact that the sea's been a bit chilly today. The way his nipples poke against the tight satin goes straight to Zoro's groin, and even though he knows it's a bad idea, he wonders if they can just sneak the lingerie in with other dirty wash later without the navigator noticing.

Hell, he'll hand wash and re-hang it himself, if Luffy would just-

He's got a lapful of rubber man before he can finish that thought, and Luffy's no longer laughing, locking gazes with him and sliding warm hands along his sides as he swings his leg over to straddle Zoro's lap.

They both freeze at the ragged purr of tearing fabric.

"Nami's going to murder you," the swordsman dryly informs his wide-eyed captain, neglecting to mention that she's probably also going to murder Zoro himself for not rescuing her underclothing when he had the chance.

"Shit!" Luffy yelps, twisting in place as he struggles to locate the rip and promptly splitting another seam. He's so preoccupied with the idea that Nami will not only beat him senseless but probably also talk Sanji into withholding dinner that he doesn't realize his movements are grinding down on Zoro's lap until the man utters his name in a strangled groan.

He realizes that large hands are clutching him around the waist and looks down to see that Zoro is staring up at him with poorly disguised hunger, face flushed and a pulse jumping visibly in his throat.

A grin slowly spreads across Luffy's face and he puts a little extra effort into his squirming, now moving deliberately as he spreads both hands across the scarred torso beneath him and kneads tensed muscles. "What about Nami?"

"Nami can buy another one," Zoro growls, hands flying up from Luffy's waist to clutch the nightie's front, which he parts with one massive flex of his forearms and a deafening RIP from top to bottom.

He's very pleased to discover that no, his captain isn't wearing anything underneath it.


	4. Personal Hygiene

"You want to borrow my what-?"

"Nail file!" Zoro snaps impatiently, glaring down at her. "You've got one, don't you?"

"Alright, I suppose you can borrow it if you promise to bring it right back," Nami sighs. "But you'll have to go get it. Top left-hand drawer in the vanity dresser. And by borrow, I mean in the rental sense."

The swordsman huffs and stalks off towards the women's quarters, grumbling under his breath about greedy bitchy navigators with nothing better to do than lounge around all day, and promptly gets into a confrontation with Sanji, who's overhead him.

Then Usopp somehow manages to set the seat of his pants on fire while working on a new project in his workshop, and Franky's forced to chase the screaming sniper down and put his rear out before he sets the ship ablaze.

So Nami forgets all about the swordsman's request, until later that afternoon, when the most horrible noises erupt from the bathhouse, and everyone crowds up the ladder to identify the source of the commotion.

They find Zoro - barefoot but otherwise still fully clothed - sitting cross-legged on the captain's back, pinning the struggling naked rubber man to the tile floor and clenching the metal file between his teeth as he inspects the younger pirate's nails. Luffy, highly distressed with being forcibly restrained when it's almost time for the cook to start working on dinner, is floundering and shrieking like he's being tortured.

Most of the crew blinks, shrugs and promptly returns to their previous tasks, but Nami leans in the doorway, watching as the cursing swordsman chases their protesting captain around the room after Luffy somehow wiggles out from beneath him. If she waits, maybe she can retrieve her property before it's lost or damaged. At the very least, she's there to start yelling for Chopper when somebody loses an eye.

"Get back here, damn it! I've only got two left to do!"

"Nami, save me!" The younger pirate shrieks, bolting towards the navigator, who takes offense at being charged by nude male crewmates and promptly drives a fist into his head.

"Gotcha!" Zoro crows triumphantly as he pounces the dazed captain. "Oi, don't you dare-"

Nami raises an eyebrow as the older pirate abruptly starts cursing and contorting his body to kick Luffy repeatedly in the head because the rubber man's gnawing ferociously on the arm hooked tightly around his chest.

"Ow, quit biting, dumbass!" Clenching his teeth, he hurriedly deals with the remaining nails and then turns the younger pirate loose by flinging him bodily into the ofuro.

"What, exactly, prompted this?" The navigator asks curiously as the scowling swordsman inspects the bleeding tooth marks in his arm.

"That idiot-" Zoro jabs a finger at the tub, where their water-logged captain is peering cautiously over the side and grumbling under his breath. "-won't stop mauling me. Claw marks all over my back and my ass- I look like a fucking zebra!"

"Nngh, thank you for sharing. I'm sorry I asked..."


	5. Assault And Batteries

Franky honestly doesn't think twice before honoring the captain's bizarre request, although certain events lead him to decide that maybe, just maybe, developing those cola-powered sex toys was not - in fact - the wisest decision.

xxx

"What the hell do you mean, we can't Coup de Burst away from those Marines?"

"We're out of fuel..." The cyborg mutters, covering his face with one hand and wondering just how he's going to explain this one to the furious navigator.

"How can we POSSIBLY be out of cola? We just restocked at the last island!"

"..."

"Oi, Franky!" Luffy calls from where he's just emerged from the men's quarters. "You got another bottle? I told Zoro I'd be right back and- uh, why are you all glaring at me...?"

"GODDAMN IT, LUFFY, AT LEAST WRAP A SHEET AROUND YOURSELF BEFORE COMING OUT HERE LIKE THAT! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED AND YOU'RE OFF HAVING SEX WITH ZORO?" Nami shrieks, causing the other Straw Hats - and the bewildered Marines - to cover their ears, wincing.

"Oh." The captain scratches his head, peering at the enemy ship quizzically before popping his head back through the doorway behind him. "Oi, Zoro'll have to give me a few minutes. There's some guys I gotta go beat up."

"You- wait- WHAT? DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING OUT TO DRY, YOU ASSHOLE!"

The fight's over even faster than expected when an incredibly angry and frustrated Roronoa Zoro single-handedly takes out the entire Marine vessel and storms back to the men's quarters dragging his protesting, whey-faced captain behind him.

The door slams shut, and the other crewmembers exchange a variety of bemused and horrified glances.

"Poor Swordsman-san," Robin sighs, shaking her head. "There's nothing worse than the batteries running out half-way through..."

"ROBIN!"

"Robin-chwan's so delightfully dirty minded~!"


	6. Super Size Me

Author's Note: There are no words for what's wrong with me. Or Robin.

xxx

"If you ever, EVER try to use Gear Three on your dick again while we're screwing, I will fucking CUT IT OFF!"

Five heads instantly whip around to track the furious swordsman's progress across the lawn deck as he hauls on his unbuttoned pants to keep them from sliding towards his ankles, and five mouths drop open in the shock at the sight of the shrunken Straw Hat captain clinging around Zoro's left leg like a small, bare-bottomed monkey.

"But, Zoro~!"

They cringe at the sound of the rubber man's high-pitched voice and, after their green-haired nakama finally slams his way through the observation room door and vanishes from view with Luffy still whining and tugging persistently at his rumpled trouser leg, a blank-expressioned Franky slowly sinks into the empty lawn chair beside Robin.

"... that's gotta be the single most horrific thing I ever heard."

"Mmm," the historian hums without looking up, leisurely turning a page. "Highly amusing to watch, of course, but horrific none-the-less. I don't suppose Sencho-san realized that the cooking oil he appropriated from the kitchen this afternoon would be quite insufficient to the task if he'd been successful. Thank goodness there's no actual bone in the penis, or we might be peeling Kenshi-san off the men's quarters' ceiling right about now."

Sanji's serving tray hits the grass with clatter as glasses and dessert plates scatter in all directions, Nami spills her drink in her lap and Usopp's current experiment explodes in his and Chopper's appalled faces.


End file.
